Memoirs · of · Mars

Dancers and actors needed! Auditions will be held on Sunday, November 11 from 4-5:30 pm and Monday, November 12 from 5:30-7:30 pm in the Theatre Annex for the Dance-Theatre thesis production of Cinderella. Auditions will involve movement, brief scenes and a song (for interested singers). This production will combine ideas from the Cinderella story from different cultures and eras to create a contemporary version.

gets me thinking. There was this grand movement in the '60s and '70s, where Americans started to realize what had been done in the name of freedom and democracy, in the name of our nation, in the name of its citizens. They were overwhelmed by the numbers, the sheer mass of suffering our country was inflicting upon so many innocent people. And a lot of those who die in wars are innocecnt people.

There is a silent protest that is being done on our campus right now. On the front lawn there have been 5,000 red flags placed in the ground, to represent just over 5,000 dead US military in Iraq. There are 100,000 white flags, each representing approximately 6 Iraqi people (soldiers and civilians) that have died in Iraq since the beginning of US presence there. Remember when G. W. Bush said we had won the war in the middle east?

Well, we're still killing people.

One of my friends and I were walking past the flag protest yesterday, and she expressed to me the feeling of being so taken over by the sea of white flags, (from far away it looks like a strange, bright white snow) by the sheer enormity of the numbers, but not feeling like there was anything to do with that feeling of frustration and anger at the slaughter of innocent people. And really, what can we do to express how we feel to the government? How can we make them listen? March on Washington with several hundreds of thousands? We've done it, recently, with other protests like it all over the US, but the press isn't paying attention and thus, the average person in the US isn't going to pay attention, and thus the government doesn't care. They don't have to change anything until the -majority- makes a statement on this matter, but would a majority expressing a desire to end the war even change anything? In a free, democratic society, you'd think the answer to this question was more clear.

When the overwhelming feeling of mass suffering being inflicted in the world began to arise in persons in the US during the Vietnam War, several things happened. The arts were incredibly politically oriented, and had a lot to say about a country where nudity is censored, civil liberties are curtailed, yet war and other serious criminal acts (ie. politics, corporate gain) are tolerated, or even revered. (Here I'm thinking of soldiers who come home to banners of welcome and thanks, yellow ribbons to show support, and a proud family with "My son's a marine" on their car bumpers. This was a less common sentiment during Vietnam because the people had reached a greater frustration with, and no longer "patriotically" revered the soldier.) There were great movements of people, going somewhere, protesting in their own way, doing something to show their discomfort with the actions of their country. They didn't know what to do, so something and anything became the way to express dissastisfaction.

When years of peaceful protesting didn't have any effect on US policy in Vietnam, and the war was worsening, groups such as the Weatherman Underground Organization sprung up out of frustration, out of the necessity to be noticed. The Weatherman were a split from the college organization called Students for a Democratic Society (the group now organizing the peaceful flag protest on my campus). The Weatherman became a group of college age persons who went underground (ie. changed physical appearance, cut off all ties to family and friends, changed names, moved to safe houses) in order to be able the "Bring the War Home", as was their motto. They began bombing centers that were symbolic of wealth and power in the US, so the average citizen couldn't be "an anonymous institutional employee who drove to work each morning in a long line of commuter cars and drove home each night and drank martinis. . . like several million middle-class, liberal, intellectual robots." (Leary, 1958, describing himself before LSD) The bombings were designed to make the "middle-class, liberal, intellectual robots" sit up and pay attention, and to stop tolerating the mass murder.

I see this period as an unfortunately necessary time in which many persons will feel the weight of the suffering of their family overseas, protest and plead for the ceasefire, and finally come to the conclusion that this government, this structure, these ideals of freedom and democracy by bombs and dead innocents, no longer define the people within this country. We can't stand any longer behind these people- our twisted government- and what they're doing. This time, when more and more people start feeling this way and they don't know what to do, hopefully they'll turn to movements for peace, and do what they can to change the situation sooner rather than later. Hopefully people will see the precedence of the Vietnam War, and see that we must do more than protest. Hopefully people will see where their power lies, as part of this "functional" society, in which their function is slave, patriot, and supporter of the capitalist economy. If you know where your power is, you know where the weaknesses of this sick nation are. Stop working, stop supporting our troops (they have their own choice to make about their power and how to use it), stop spending $500 a week at Wal-Mart, and see where we arrive. I assure you- that future, as scary as it may seem, is much more bright than any in which the United States of America stands as a power over this ridiculous, patriarchal colonialist world in which we exist.

Come see 4.48 PSYCHOSIS!
Thursday, 8pm, in the Reed College Chapel
a part of Reed Arts Week: Fight or Flight

"Do you think it's possible for a person to be born in the wrong body?"

an experimental production of an experimental play.
join us in exploring fear, love, madness and the darkest parts of night.

written by Sarah Kane
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So, I'm directing part of this and if you're not busy, you should come watch. It's free, and it's very experimental/abstract/postmodern, which is always fun. Oh, fun fact- Sarah Kane wrote 4.48 as her final work, then took her own life not too much later.

Tea Party!

Because girls just want to have fun.

Host:
Joni & Co.
Time and PlaceDate:
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Time:
4:00pm - 10:00pm
Location:
Birchwood 10
Description
A fabulous afternoon/evening of shenanigans just for girls and their dolls/stuffed animals. Please wear something with ruffles and/or lace and/or pink. Bonus points if you wear all three. And seriously, bring a doll or stuffed animal.

There will be tea and chocolate and chick flicks and nail-painting. Good times will be had.

Start and end times are approximate.

Things to take note of on this day:
1) "Psy-Cicle" Cascadian Winter Solstice Dec-22nd -23rd
I'll be there dancing the night away. Come and join me! Check here for more info: nw604.tribe.net

2) http://www.globalorgasm.org/
Synchronized global orgasm in about 5 hours... :D

There are few people in my life who would randomly start dancing and jumping around in the living room at three am to bad pop music. Fortunately, my roomate is one of them. *heart*

The plan right now is to stay up until everything is done or 5pm, whichever comes first. Everything must be in by 5 so I figure twelve solid hours of work (or, hopefully, less) will get me to the finish line. I'm thinking I should go to the library. If any of you are still there, comment and we'll take a break at whatever time in the morning we can get coffee from somewhere or breakfast from commons. I'll buy you some with my extra commons points. :)

Also, getcha sexy on. (Justin Timberlake is a sub, who knew?)

"Anal Sex in Accordance with God's Will

Are you saving yourself for your wedding night? The Devil wants you to fail, that’s why he puts stumbling blocks in your way. But God wants you to succeed, and that’s why he has given us an alternative to intercourse before marriage: anal sex. Through anal sex, you can satisfy your body’s needs, while you avoid the risk of unwanted pregnancy and still keep yourself pure for marriage.

You may be shocked at first by this idea. Isn’t anal sex (sodomy) forbidden by the Bible? Isn’t anal sex dirty? What’s the difference between having anal sex before marriage and having regular intercourse? Let’s address these issues by debunking some myths about anal sex and God's will. "

-I can't tell you how pleased I am that I can have as much butt sex as I want without losing my virginity! Wow, I'm sure happy God overlooked that one.

"Playing by God's Rules

(1) To avoid the impropriety of male homosexuality, a heterosexual couple should not under any circumstances form a threesome with another man.
(2) Both women involved in the threesome must be willing to keep within traditional female roles (i.e., not taking on masculine appearance or behavior in or out of the bedroom) and recognize the male as the leader in the relationship.
(3) If the wife’s lesbian sex partner is unmarried, it may be permissible for the husband to have relations with her only with his wife’s consent.
(4) If the wife’s lesbian sex partner is unmarried, but the wife does not wish her to have relations with the other woman, the husband should respect this.
(5) If the wife’s lesbian sex partner is married, her husband must not have objections to the relationship.
(6) If the wife’s lesbian sex partner is married, the husband should refrain from having any sexual relations with her, and should make every effort to control his fantasies about her. He should concentrate his attention on his own wife."

-I must say, though, this threesome sounds awfully boring. Controlling fantasies, worrying about husbands, no other guys involved... There are sections on the site for fisting, bdsm, viagra, masturbation, and oral sex. I wonder if it's an elaborate joke, complete with Biblical references, or really some crazy liberal Christians.

On a few completely different notes:
I've been feeling very blessed lately to have the people in my life that I do. You all are wonderful and I love you so very much, even if it doesn't seem that way at times or we haven't been the best about seeing each other or keeping in touch. One of the things Reed has helped me realize is that you don't have to talk to or see someone for weeks on end to still love them and be their friend. (that rhymed!)
Also, I'm not getting anything done. Now that there isn't class there seems to be no motivation to get out of bed and do anything. I have two short papers to write and one long research paper to edit, with which I could totally be halfway finished by now. Oh well.
Finally, if you haven't finished your holiday shopping and want to see some of the things I have to offer for holiday gifts, give me a comment or a call. I have a special deal running now through the 12th- $50 gets you $60 in stuff, $100 gets you $125, $150 gets you $185, and $200 gets you $250. There are great gifts for all genders. :D

fol·lic·u·li·tis n
inflammation of one or more follicles, especially of the hair, producing small boils

Now you know.

Also, the Paradox Lost opens at 8am. Who knew? Such a lifesaver, with their shitty bagels and cream cheese that squeezes out of a packet. I'm at the beginning of my fifth page, and this thing is supposed to be 8-10 pages. I don't think I'll even get a nap before Spanish at noon. I'm very thankful now that I accidentally took a nap yesterday evening before going to the library.

If I were the only person frantically working in the ETC at this hour this would suck a lot more. (By "frantically working" I mean I haven't typed any part of my ten page paper that's due tomorrow.)

I wonder what it is about essays that makes me always procrastinate on the writing of them. The research is fine, but when it comes to actually sitting down and typing I never want to do it. I'm hoping to get the paper in before noon, that way I can go to class from 12-1, then go home and sleep for a couple hours before dance class.

My sister is coming to pick Joni and I up tomorrow evening. We'll be at my parents' house in rural eastern Oregon until Saturday afternoon/evening sometime.

So very tired... I wonder if sleeping in the ETC means I would wake up in half an hour...

Last night I dreamt that I was running from a man. I don't remember why, or how the dream started.

We are outside, and he has me backed up against the edge of a cliff-like drop. We're standing behind his big white van. I can vividly see myself looking at him, knowing that he is going to kill me. He turns his back for just a moment, and I run away, skidding down a huge hill, crashing into different bushes and trees on the way. At the bottom I come to a stop on a path, I stand and begin to run in one movement. I sprint for miles, afraid that he is following. I know where I am going. There is a hidden clearing in the forest down by the river that has been my secret place to hide. I sprint effortlessly despite my physical pain, the adrenaline pushing me.

Back at the van, the man looks at a friend of mine and says, "Where is she going to go? I know you know."

Somehow, I see this interaction, but I don't see my friend give away my hiding place. I know, though, that the man will be waiting for me when I get there. As I'm running I see a lead pipe, about the length of my leg, and I grab it off the ground on my way past.

Turning the corner into the clearing of trees, I see the edge of his van. I throw the pipe at the back window, and it shatters. My mind pulls the pipe back into my hand. He is just stepping out of the vehicle, rifle in hand, turning toward me. The adrenaline courses through every muscle. As he's turning toward me I strike his neck and face with the pipe several times, until he drops his gun. Kicking his feet out from under him, the man falls to the ground and I pin him underneath me, brutally beating him until I awaken.

-------------------
I am not a violent person, at all. Having this violent of a dream is very odd. I remember being scared up until this point in my dream, in the part that I don't remember. After jumping off the cliff, though, once I was running, I knew what would happen, and that I would win.

Today has been up and down and all around. Really, really good parts of the day, one sort of crushing part. It's hard to be constantly shot down on something that you really want to do, really love.

Regardless, no sense in stopping now.

There is laundry to be done, and homework to be done for tomorrow. I really want to curl up with some hot tea and watch How to Marry a Millionare, the Marilyn Monroe movie that Craig suggested the cast watch to get an idea of the social norms at the time of Bar in a Tokyo Hotel. If for some reason anyone else is up and wants to watch with me, call me. I'm going to take a shower first so you'll have a bit of time.

Also, I have not had sex in way too long. This will be amended tomorrow, I hope. If it's not, I may have to resort to desperate measures- although I'm not sure what those may be. Something about compulsively masturbating, I'm sure.

I spent the day in bed up until about twenty minutes ago. Joni made me some good tea, and I'm now eating cereal. I think I should go to class, but nothing feels good and my head is all fuzzy. I have rehearsals soon, too. bah, this getting dressed thing sucks.

It makes it even more difficult go get out of bed when my sweet little kitty is sleeping on my bed and keeping me warm. *sigh*

Dancing always makes me feel better, so I'd better go to class.

*Here I am, sick, five hours of sleep ahead of me before a new week, and unable to sleep. There are few nights that I miss living in the dorms. This is one of them. Someone would be up, and I would find them, and we would talk about nothing, or schoolwork we should have done, or maybe, something.

**I find nothing hard to talk about recently. By nothing I suppose I mean small talk. It has become increasingly difficult for me to hold polite little conversations. Everything about them seems forced and fake. What would happen if we all asked what we really wanted to know, said what we really thought? There are so many times when someone asks me, "How are you doing?" and fine, good, or great comes out without me thinking about the truth of it. I don't like that. Often, when I state the truth and it isn't positive, I've noticed the person asking will retreat, wishing they hadn't asked. I don't like that, either. What's so hard about admitting that we're not "great!"? What's so hard about facing someone else and knowing they aren't either?

***In somewhat less <5am insomniac> news: I'm assistant stage manager for Bar in a Tokyo Hotel, which is exciting and new. I'm loving all of my classes, except for Spanish, perhaps. That's not true. I like Spanish, I just wish I didn't have to do homework for the class every night. I'm starting a support group for women survivors of sexual assault. E-mail/call me if you have any questions about it. Also, Joni and Aviva are cooking all day tomorrow for the Yom Kippur break fast at our apartments, so you should come. Jews make awesome food. :) Stop by anytime after 7pm.

I'm going to my parents' house today. I'll be gone until Sunday evening.

Also, my cell phone is out again. I'm not sure how long that will last, but you can reach me through email or calling my apartment phone and leaving messages.

I know I've been promising to hang out with some of you, and it will happen as soon as I get back.

I don't know what feelings are mine, and what feelings are caused by the mood altering drug I consume daily. Granted, I am tapering off and that can be hard. I want this to be over, though. I want to be done feeling this way.

I want to be done hating myself for what other people have done to me. I want to be done using those things as excuses.

I want to be done trusting and loving people only to have them hurt and use me.

I want to start surrounding myself with good people. I want to start taking time for myself. I want to start being on top of my shit.

I want to start to love who I am again.

It makes me wonder: if all people were made to go through all that comes with the life I have chosen, would they all be as crazy as I am? I'm not crazy, you say? Spend a day in my brain, and then you can decide.

No.

She didn't die either. She has been very, very busy. She still loves you and wants to see you.

She also wants you to come to her show! Alice in Wonderland, a musical production.

Mt. Tabor Park ampitheatre
6:30 pm, July 22-23, 27, and 29-30

These are the only shows left. Sorry I didn't post about it sooner. Admission is free.

To get to the ampitheatre, go all the way up Belmont to SE 69th and turn right. In about two blocks there are entrances to the park. Take the one on the right, and the ampitheatre is below the parking lot on the right hand side.

I started my internship today doing the performing arts camp for kids. It's going to be a lot of fun, but challenging as well. I have to be there at 8:15. In the morning. heh. It goes until 3, then I have an hour before rehearsal which runs 4-7. That's Monday through Friday.

I'm also working Thursday through Sunday from 6 or 8pm until 2:30am. I don't think I'll be doing that every week, but I need to make enough money for rent before I can work less.

The point is, if I don't return your phone call or I say I don't have time to hang out, it's nothing personal. I really do still love you. I'm just going to be crazy for a few weeks. Hopefully in a week or two I'll have another girls' night in, since the first one was such a smashing success. :)

www.KicktheOilHabit.org

Our first action is to challenge oil companies to double the number
of E85 ethanol fuel pumps at their stations within a year and pledge
to offer renewable fuel at half of all gas stations within the
decade.

If you're around and want to hang out, please give me a call. Anna is bored.

Rehearsal from 6:30-9 tonight. I don't really want to go.